Fangs and a Palantir
by Seras-LOTR-Victoria
Summary: The ever curious 'Fool of a Took' decides to 'borrow' Gandalf's palantir and finds himself transported to... The Hellsing mansion?


A/N: Hi there! Welcome to the first Hellsing/LOTR crossover that I know of. :D Enjoy the story, and R&R! I always welcome spelling/grammar corrections!

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing, Kohta Hirano, Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien, or anything that belongs to them. I also have no money. Or anything else of value. Except, I have these fluffy baby bunnies! Here, you can have one! hands you a bunny There, now, isn't that better? :D Darned They won't let me do my anime smileys!!!! Arg.

A dark, shadowy night....

Somewhere on the road to Gondor....

Pippin couldn't sleep. Merry had long since dozed off and was snoring with his mouth open, but Pippin was too busy thinking to rest. One thought possessed his mind: what was that shiny, round stone? And why had Gandalf taken it from him that afternoon, without allowing him even a short look at it? It must be terribly important. As the stone's discoverer, Pippin felt he had the right to know what it was. Again, he ran through his mental list of what he thought it could be, but found no satisfactory answer.

Finally, Pippin could bear the suspense no longer. He softly crept out of bed and padded over to the gnarled tree under which Gandalf was sleeping, eyes eerily half-closed. Pippin shuddered, hoping he wouldn't be caught trying to steal another look at the forbidden treasure. He considered going back to bed, but the urge to satisfy his curiosity was too strong. He silently stood at Gandalf's side, staring at the round object, which he knew was the stone, wrapped in cloth and nestled in the hollow of the wizard's arm. Quickly, Pippin lifted the stone from beneath its covering and replaced it with a nearby rock of a similar size. Pippin gazed at the stone as it sparkled, clear and deep, in the moonlight. Then, covering it with his cloak, he trotted over to a hollow in the side of a large boulder. Placing the precious object between his knees, he exposed it to the moonlight. It was like a slow-flowing river, luminous and unclouded. Pippin thought he had never seen something so beautiful. Why did Gandalf want to hide _this_ from him?

Suddenly, inside the darkness of the stone, an eye opened. A red eye. Another appeared beside it. Then a grinning mouth with two pointy canines and lolling tongue and materialized below the eyes. Pippin was mesmerized and horrified - but found that he couldn't look away. Soon, he was enveloped a thick, rolling mist, which congealed into the darkest of midnights. A rush of air passed his head, as if something had flown by. Startled, he looked up from the stone to find that the landscape of sloping hills was gone, and he was in complete darkness, surrounded by pairs of red eyes. The sound of a far away hellhound's howl pierced the silence. The echos of deep, ominous chuckles rumbled through the dark. Pippin, overcome with sheer terror, could not even cry out. His vision filled with eyes, which turned in dizzying formations...

Then there was nothing.

Pippin awakened in a comfortable room, with the light of late morning sun streaming through a window. _I'm inslde, _he realized._ We must have arrived in Gondor. Why don't I remember anything about last night? I must have had too much to drink, or perhaps there was something bad in the pipe-weed...._

Looking around, Pippin noted the furniture; bed, desk, chair, and side table were all made of a dark wood, as was the closed door. The blanket he had bunched around himself, of an unfamiliar texture, was the color of evening sky. He had finished noticing the room and was beginning to realize how hungry he was when there was a soft knock at the door.

"Come in if it pleases you," Pippin called. A refined-looking gentleman in a suit entered.

"Good morning," he said in an unfamiliar accent. "I trust you slept well, Mr....?"

"Oh yes, sir, I did," answered Pippin. "However, I am getting a bit hungry; I should really enjoy some breakfast if you have it."

"Of course; what is your pleasure, sir?"

"I would like some bacon, tomatoes, ham, fruit, eggs, cheese, and some bread-and-butter, if you please," said Pippin. "And perhaps some milk." The man's eyebrows lifted slightly at such a tall order from such a short person.

"Of course, sir; but please, do not waste your formalities on me. I am Walter C. Dornez, Hellsing family butler, at your service."

"I am Peregrin Took, of the Shire; surely Gandalf has already told you about me."

"A pleasure to serve you, Master Took, but I have met no such person," replied the butler. Suddenly, Pippin's memories of the night before came flooding back... the strange stone... the eyes... the mist and darkness.... the howling and laughter... He shuddered involuntarily.

"Where am I, Walter? I don't remember coming here. Is this Gondor?"

"Gondor, Master Took? I have never heard of such a place. You are in one of the guest rooms of the Hellsing mansion, in England. You were found last night, unconscious, on the edge of the premises. I believe the sentry would have left you there, but Sir Hellsing ordered that you have a room until you awakened. When you have eaten, bathed, and dressed, I believe you will be summoned to a meeting with Sir Hellsing. I strongly suggest you do not go out into the mansion on your own until after the meeting. I also suggest you begin preparing to meet with Sir Hellsing as soon as possible. I shall now see to your breakfast."

Left alone, Pippin was feeling quite confused. Where in Middle Earth was this Hellsing place? What would happen to him? How would he be treated by the people here? And what strange creatures inhabited this place of men? He remembered last night's eyes....

Pippin's disquieted mind searched for answers as he reached for the clothes hanging over the back of the desk-chair. He found that these were not his own clothes, but a small suit of the style Walter had been wearing, neatly pressed. His gaze fell on the open door to a room that adjoined his bedroom. Entering, he found a strange assortment of what appeared to be stone furniture. Ther was a chair, a cabinet of sorts with a basin carved out of the top, and a large basin, by itself, with four grotesque stone feet holding it off the floor. A soft, oval rug rested on the floor before the large basin. There were silver ornaments of strange shapes on each piece of furniture; on the chair, a handle; on the tub, two knobs and a curved bar, and on the cabinet, two more knobs and longer curved bar. Among the unfamiliar, Pippin suddenly noticed something he recognized on the cabinet's top: a bar of soap. So the cabinet-basin was for washing. And the large floor basin resembled the tubs the men of Rohan used to bathe. So this was a bathing room! Walter had said to wash up; but to find the water? Pippin hadn't the faintest.

He puttered around a bit, touching the cold, shining decorations, and feeling the tile floor smooth and cool against his hairy feet. There was something strange about that chair. It seemed to be attached to the wall and the floor. _How useless,_ Pippin thought. _Why make a chair that cannot move? _He took a closer look. It seemed that the chair's seat was hinged. He lifted it to discover that the inside of the 'chair' was actually a basin, filled with clear water. A large pipe had its opening beneath the surface. Over the basin was a U-shaped piece of painted wood; this was hinged like the seat-top. Pippin lifted this as well, and there was the basin. So this was the well from which the men in this house got their washing-water. How ingenious; water inside the house!

Pippin had finished washing his hands and was kneeling before the basin, about to splash his face, when Walter appeared at the door.

"I've brought your towels, Master T-....."

Pippin looked up.

"Thank you, Walter. I was about to begin washing up, to get ready for the meeting with... ah...."

"Sir Hellsing," Walter offered. "That's wonderful, Master Took, but are you sure that you want to use toilet water to wash your face?" asked the butler, arching an eyebrow.


End file.
